New username. fashinterrorist Felt like it was time for a change.

Do you have any idea how annoying it is to constantly have drums playing in my head? It's not a conscious thing, but there is not a single moment of any given day when i am not thinking, intentionally or otherwise, about some sort of beat/rhythm/pattern, etc. This might not sound that bad, but i think very much in terms of sound, so it is just as bad as have someone follow me around playing a set. There are many times when i wish it would just shut up for a little while and let me relax. Not gonna happen.

This may be why i am as obsessed with drumming as i am. When i play, since i am hearing it outside of my own mind, my mind can quiet down. But then there is the fact that i am hitting a whole bunch of drums, which doesn't exactly help with keeping things quiet. Either way, there's too much noise for me to think completely clearly. i am constantly playing on my desk or table or whatever. It is not a conscious thing, it just happens. People sometimes yell at me and tell me how annoying it is, but it's just as bad, if not worse, for me. i think that i do it because i am trying to get the sound out of my head. It is very frustrating to have a constant drum solo going on in my head. It doesn't even stop when i'm asleep. argh. With me, drumming can sometimes be a love/hate thing.

i honestly wish i could stop thinking about drumming, if only for a little while. But i don't think it will happen anytime soon.

i think i'm rambling and repeating myself, so that's it for now.

I guess I'm like some sort of celebrity at school now. I'm guessing it's for my clothes, but maybe I'm just that awesome. A great deal of people that I have no memory of meeting or ever seeing before in my life know my name and talk to me. There is at least one person whose name I still don't know that began last week to hug me whenever she sees me. I had never seen her before, but she just walks up to me and gives me a hug. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Hugs are awesome. I'm just surprised that so many complete strangers like me and/or want to hug me. It's a lot of fun.

It's cool that the way I dress is getting me noticed, but so many people have assumed that I am a certain type of person judging by the way I look. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes bad. I know that it's unrealistic, but I wish that people would at least talk to me to figure out what kind of person I am. Oh well. I'm sure as hell not going to change the way I dress, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

I was just reading the Pink Invaders update on the community, and it says that someone proposed to their girlfriend onstage during the wedding scene.

That is by far the most romantic thing I have ever heard.

I have noticed that a lot of people are very concerned with what or who I am, what I believe in, etc. I get a lot of questions like, "Are you gay/straight/etc?" "Do you believe in God?" "Do you want to be a girl?" (someone actually asked me that flat out) I want to take this opportunity to answer all of these questions.

I don't know, and don't particularly care.

Regarding sexuality: I don't think that I should have to choose one thing that rigidly defines what I find attractive. I either find someone attractive or I don't. It's that simple. I am not gay. I am not straight. I am not anything in particular. I like people.

Religion: I do not believe in God in the Christian sense, but I am not atheist. There is no way to really know the answer to that kind of thing, and trying to find one thing that you believe in is a waste of time, because your belief is likely to change over time anyway.

Gender: I don't believe in the gender binary. I do realize that there is a physical difference between sexes, but I don't believe that the body has anything to do with it. Gender, while it is usually considered a basic and fundamental fact of life, is a social construct. The idea that the body dictates the way you should feel inside and you should be either all one thing or all the other does not make sense to me. Boy/Girl are just common tendencies of people's personalities. If you feel the most comfortable at one end of the spectrum, that's fine. If you think that your somewhere in the middle, that's fine, too. If, like me, you believe that the spectrum doesn't really exist for you, that's fine too. Whatever works best for you.

I am saying all this because it is what I believe. I don't know that I am right or wrong, but it is what makes the most sense to me, and I wanted to express that. It is a very pacifying feeling to be comfortable with not being sure of anything. It is just the way I like it.

I was commended today for being a strong, independent woman.

As I was walking out of school in my dress, a group of guys saw me and started yelling offensive and degrading things to me. This is something I'm used to, they were just louder about it. I just smiled, ignored them, and kept walking. Apparently my third hour teacher saw it all happen, and she is not used to seeing people just walk away from stuff like that, so she complimented me for it as I was turning in my homework.

The thing is, when they called me "bitch" and whatnot, I didn't see them as being homophobic towards me, I saw them as degrading me as a woman. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's the way I felt. I'm not quite sure what to think of that.

Today was Opposite Sex Day.

And I was damn pretty.

There's a new Busta Rhymes song that samples Daft Punk. That makes me sad.

Sidenote: Busta Rhymes shaved his head and got fat. It's karma.

Being a mall rat is very tiring.

Left with Kimmy and Kim to go to Goodwill around noon or so. Found an awesome dress there. Bought it, of course. Got bored, decided to go to the mall again. Jokingly, I said I should put on the dress and just walk around the mall. They said I should, and I saw no good reason not to, so we waited for Jarrett (sp?!) to get off work, got there and I changed in the bathroom. Luckily there was no one in there, cause that would have been awkward to be in a dress in the men's room. Took my change of clothes to Kim's car. That was fun. A couple people stopped in their tracks to stare at me. It was awesome. A mom saw me and made sure that she was between me and her son. She was protecting him from me, maybe? I almost felt bad. Almost. Walked back through the food court and we headed to the arcade. Wasted a bit too much money on Keyboard Heaven, of course. One of the guys at the arcade comes up to me and says, "You're wearing a dress. I just thought I'd point that out." After that, we walked around a little just to see people's reactions. Very enjoyable.

Eventually, as we were getting ready to leave, we ran into Chelsea and Jen. They were going bowling later and had just gotten to the mall, so we decided to stick with them till then. Sat in the food court, split dinner with Kimmy. Got bloated and gassy.

Eventually ran into Chris and a whole bunch of his friends. I was fine when it was just the three of us, and then the five of us. I can deal with four other people, and it helped that I knew everybody. But when we ran into Chris's entourage, it was a bit overwhelming, because there was like ten new people to deal with, and I didn't know (or particularly like) any of them. I was tired to begin with (I hadn't had my nap), and this kinda made me shut down. I got really quiet for like two hours. I got all spaced out and twitchy from lack of sleep and being nervous, so I ended up looking like a crackhead. Not enjoyable.

Finally got to the bowling alley. Since our group was so big (Chris's people had tagged along), they split us up across the bowling alley. Chris's people on one side, ours on the other. This made things a little easier. A couple more people showed up for our side, but I knew and got along with all of them, so I perked back up. With this and the physical activity of bowling, I was wide awake again for the next three hours. Had good time, ended up getting home at midnight and passing out as soon as I got in bed.

I don't know why my parents trust me with money. They gave me a total of $20 yesterday, plus the $4 I already had. I came home with thirty cents. Now I feel guilty. I didn't mean to spend that much, it just kinda happened. Oh well. I told them not to give me any money for the next month or so.

I'm still sore. From being at the mall. I'm a loser.

The end.

I love being a mall rat.

I went to church this morning with my great-grandma. Went to her house afterwards. Got home, got on myspace, then aim, talking to Kimmy. Found out that her and her boyfriend Jarrett (sp?) were both going to the mall at the same time as me, so we met up there. Went to the food court and, well, ate. After that, we went to the arcade. I just discovered today that there is a DDR-type game for keyboards called Keyboard Heaven. Oh my holy crap, I am addicted to this game. It is so much fun. We spent the majority of our time there (4+ hours) playing Keyboard Heaven. As a result, I am the top three scores on the machine, and Kimmy is number four. Why they haven't come out with a console version of this is beyond me. We convinced the arcade people to possibly have a tournament, we just can't figure what kind of prize the winner should get.

The DDR machine was broken, so we went to the dollar store and bought a get well card for it. We signed it, and they let us tape it to the screen with a sign telling people to help DDR feel better by signing the card. We're gonna see how many people actually do it. Hopefully a lot.

I had no idea it would be so draining. I just got home, and I'm about ready to pass out. I still wanna play it, though.

Gonna go to Goodwill tomorrow. Can't wait.

Still can't find a wig.

The video for Beck's "Ghetto Chip Malfunction" is awesome, but it hurts to watch.

Just thought you should know.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! BODY HAIR IS THE DEVIL!!!!!

But I can't shave it of, cause my dad would not like that. Also, it can only be done properly by a professional (or a very, very close friend). Pbbht!!

I have self-image issues. It's more than just the hair. Shut up. Don't laugh at me.

Took the last final today. As I was being dropped off to school, we saw that there was a car in the parking lot with smoke coming out of it. It was a buttload of smoke. There were little flames all around the tires, and when the fire department got there, they had to open the hood with a crowbar. It was cool. I told my english teacher about it, and she runs into the teacher's lounge and goes, "Hey everybody! There's a carbecue in the parking lot!" When I told my french teacher, she says, "Well, what are you doing wasting your time in here? Go watch the fire!" It was funny.

I was wearing some pants today that weren't particularly tight compared to some of the stuff I wear, but I guess with the rest of the outfit it was more noticable. When I was walking to lunch, some girl I don't know gave me a very friendly "Heeaayy!!!" It was nice of her, I guess, but completely unexpected. Apparently she liked my outfit. When I was getting my luch, some guy asked if my nuts could breathe. That's definitely a new one.

Didn't realize there was a game tonight until ten minutes after my dad gets called into work. Stupid me. Got a call from Liz at the game. Apparently she wanted me to come so she could talk to someone who was not stupid. Oh well.

Mom and Rachie went to see Papa Jim. It went very well. Rachie said that she was happy about something and did a little happy dance, which Papa Jim then repeated. I would have loved to have seen it.

That's it for now.

Took the first two of six finals today. Neither one of them took very long, so the majority of today was spent doing basically nothing. Since most people had turned in exemption forms, there weren't many people at school today. Kimmy hurt her foot. :( Lunch was incredibly quiet. In physics, we turned on the TV and watched the World's Strongest Man competition. It was a bit frightening. Hopefully I don't completely bomb the History final.

I was just thinking, and I realized that they might have me be in my third hour for two hours on friday. Hopefully I can just stay home that morning.

Went to the mall. Still have to find a wig for next thursday.

Read this person's profile.

http://www.myspace.com/slingshot57fan

She likes my pants so much that it's part of her profile. How awesome is that?

Next week is spirit week at school, and thursday is Opposite Sex Day!! That's like my Christmas!!! Now I'm gonna go to the mall and buy a new wig, and borrow stuff from people, it's gonna be great!!!

I am so happy right now!!!

There's this kid at school who seems completely crushed that I don't listen to punk. He has asked me if I want to drum for his band like three times. I feel so bad, cause he seems nice, but he's totally not the kind of kid I would hang out with or be in a band with. He saw me play a whole bunch of instruments while I was killing time this morning in the band room. Our conversation went as follows.

Me: (playing school bass)
Kid: So you play bass, too?
Me: Yep.
Kid: So what kind of music do you listen to? (This is at least the third time he's asked)
Me: A little bit of everything.
Kid: So you listen to punk? (he names off a couple bands)
Me: Not so much, no.
Kid: ...are you sure?
Me: Yeah, I'm sure.
Kid: (walking away) He LOOKS like he listens to punk. He should listen to punk! *grumble grumble*

So apparently I look like a huge punk kid to him. I'm not sure how to take that.

A girl asked what size my pants were today, and when I told her, she said "ARGH! You wear smaller pants than me! I hate my life!" It was funny.

I need much more girl's clothes than I have. All of my guy's clothes make me look dumpy! I've been rotating the same three girl shirts off and on for a month, and it's getting old. I also must rid myself of this disgustingly excessive body hair! ARGH! My dad would flip if I shaved anything but my face, though, so I can't any time soon. Someday...

OMG, Tom, went to jazz band today, and one of the songs we play is Zoot Suit Riot!!

I MISS ROCKY!!!!!! WAAHHHH!!!!

I just saw the new Mudvayne "Fall Into Sleep" video. And let me be the first to say...

WHAT THE FLYING BLUE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MUDVAYNE?!?! I still love their music, but this is one of the stupidest videos I have ever seen, and I expect much more than this bizarre animated video that looks like it is a college student's first attempt at CGI. Especially from them, because they are much more creative and focused than this. The video has nothing to do with the song, and the guys aren't even in the video. I love Mudvayne to death, but if they come out with another video like this, I will cry.

Way to drop the ball, Mudvayne!

Oh, well. Life goes on.

Just got back from Jen something's birfday party. We went to a bowling alley. Jen is in a leg brace and can't actually bowl right now, so she was coaching everyone. As a result, my personal best went from a pitiful 68 to 114. Oh yeah. Top score. Take that, bowling.

My outfit actually made a person scream today. Life is good.